Lavander Loves
by Shyx
Summary: One girl is trying to gain a certain potions master. Key word there, trying. Update coming as soon as my beta gets off her butt. Lavander's scheming, Pansy's fuming, Draco's flaming and Snape's clueless.
1. The Initation

TITLE: Lavander Loves…  
  
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer  
  
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#  
  
Dedicated to my beta and her Snape obsession.  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
One girl is trying to gain a certain potions master. Key word there, trying. So what happens when the Professor you're after is a grumpy, greasy git and you're not the only one who wants a little Snape loving? A bit of random craziness to enjoy.  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
Letter 1 – The 'I'm obsessed with you but I don't want to come on to strong'  
  
Dearest Sevie -- #too early to try out nicknames#   
  
Dear Severus -- #No no too familiar#  
  
Snape -- #too informal#  
  
Dear Professor Snape -- #don't want to remind him that he's our teacher#  
  
To Severus Snape -- #ahh perfect#  
  
I want you -- #don't come on to strong!#  
  
In the interest of furthering my studies I wish to suck your knowledge out of your brain through the kissing technique -- #too immature#  
  
would it be possible to book some extra time in the Potions Lab? How's eight tonight by candlelight? -- #keep fantasies OUT of letters!!#  
  
Luv Lavander Snape -- #big no-no#  
  
Love your willing sex slave -- #what have I said about coming on too strong?#  
  
Lavander Brown -- #perfect, says everything but leaves plenty to mystery#  
  
:: FINAL VERSION ::  
  
To Severus Snape,  
  
In the interest of furthering my studies, would it be possible to book extra time in the Potions Lab?  
  
Lavander Brown  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
Miss Brown.  
  
Tuesday evenings 7 - 8:30pm. Please refrain in future from using anything as familiar as my first name  
  
Professor Snape  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
Dear Sour Puss -- #insulting bad#  
  
Dear Mr No Wonder I Am So Uptight With That Attitude I Haven't Been Laid In 15 Years -- #insulting bad!!!#  
  
Dear Mr Sexy Scowl Scawl Scowl -- #no spelling makes that good#  
  
Dear Mr I Know Your Shoe Size Hows That For Familiar Bucko!   
  
oh I wish you had of told me that in person, I bet you would have growled, lowered that voice an octave or two just to give it a bit of -- #I am going to stop right there as you've started drooling on the parchment#  
  
I was not drooling!  
  
#there's a mark right there saying you are. Anyway, why are you writing back? What ya gunna say "I'll see you at 7 you bring the champagne?"#  
  
Oh shut up! [runs off to get ready for Potions]  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
7:00pm - Dungeons  
  
Status: noticeably excited   
  
He opened the door and turned around and stalked back to his desk. Oh cold manor! The billowing robes! King of pain! I want him to look at me and by grateful for his voluminous robes!  
  
#You know he acts so defensive all the time, I bet you it's because he doesn't need voluminous robes to hide his-#  
  
He's a private person! I'm sure his-  
  
# …And the way he's always scowling and taking points, don't you think that just maybe his trying to compensate for-#  
  
…a very adequate size if not larger that any woman could really handle and that's why he doesn't have a girlfriend.  
  
"Miss Brown are you planning on doing any potions or are you just going to stare at that cauldron for the next hour and a half"  
  
#I could have bottled the sarcasm that was dripping off that#  
  
[sits down by table] I hope he realized I'm wearing last year's robes, with excessive tightness across the breasts.  
  
#You're being blatant, you know!#  
  
Shut up! Oh he scowled! He scowled because I just banged the table when I said shut up- but his scowl!  
  
#He just muttered something about incompetent Gryfindors under his breath. He acts like an arse. I'm beginning to think you have masochistic tendencies#  
  
I do not! Oh, I want him to growl at me again!  
  
#Please, you want him to spank you!#  
  
Do not! Underneath that sexy rough exterior he is really a kind considerate man.  
  
#Oh yes! How could I be so blind! And his nose isn't huge either. Trick of light#  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
7:10pm – Still in the dungeons  
  
Status: Defensive  
  
His nose isn't huge!  
  
#We've been arguing like this for ten minutes, are we looking at the same person? I suppose you don't think his hair is greasy either#  
  
Greasy?! That's not greasy! It's silky and shiny!  
  
#Shiny as an oil slick#  
  
I'm not listening! 10 bottles of beer on the wall-  
  
#Ma! Pa! We're rich! We struck oil! Go get Jethro!#  
  
TEN BOTTLES OF BEER, TAKE ONE DOWN PASS IT-  
  
"Miss Brown, stop that irritating humming!"  
  
"Sorry Professor"  
  
He talked to me!  
  
#He always talks to you#  
  
But I'm the only one here  
  
#Wow, he yelled at you, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!#  
  
Do you really think so?  
  
#[Exasperated sigh]#  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
7:33pm – Dungeons  
  
Status: Teed off, reason - one red-faced, bushy-haired know-it-all just came bursting into the dungeons  
  
"Miss Granger, you're late."  
  
Three minutes isn't much but Hermione knew not to argue cause she was here for a detention. SUCKER! Miss goody-goody-Head Girl-thinks she so great cause her best friend's Harry Potter, kept getting detention with Professor Snape. They were always arguing over something, properties of smelly stuff and whether it can be used with something else that smells. She should fall at his feet and beg forgiveness for questioning his intellect. He was so much smarter then HER! And now she was here and I knew the mood between me and Sevie would be ruined.  
  
#Mood! What you mean is this awkward silence ever since you ruined your first attempt at the potion*  
  
Shut up! He hasn't scowled at me once!  
  
*… for the past 2 minutes*  
  
"Set about cleaning the storeroom Miss Granger, labels and rotation, you know the drill." Hermione just scowled at him as she took off her robe, rolled up her sleeves and headed to the storeroom. Who the hell does she think she is? Scowling! At Snape! Oh I hope he growls at her! Oh no! No I don't! I want him to ignore her! Yes, that's right, ignore her! He couldn't care enough to growl at her! I don't want competition! Oh God, I think I'm going to hyperventilate.  
  
*Don't forget she took off her robe. That could have been deliberate*  
  
Oh Merlin you're right! If Snape gets a good look at her I'm gone. But I don't know, she might be kinda skinny, and here boobs aren't really as big as mine, but-   
  
*I was joking you know. I doubt-*  
  
[Sniffling] He thinks she's prettier then me!  
  
*Oh for fucks sake!*  
  
"Miss Brown," Oh drool! That voice!  
  
[puts on girliest voice ever] "Yes Professor?"  
  
"Your cauldrons boiling over."  
  
Whoops. He used such a sexy voice when he said that. Boiling. Boiling over. He wants me hard.  
  
*I think I'm going to be sick. Do you have selective hearing or something because you missed the bit afterward where he muttered useless imbecile*  
  
[Suddenly a scream ripped through the room and then a loud thud. Quick as lightening Severus was up and in the storeroom. Where I wasn't and Hermione was]  
  
Oh that does it, two can play it that game. It's time to stop the bitch in her tracks. I have womanly assets – large womanly assets – and it's time to make a quick decision.  
  
[Grabs the bottle of beatle juice and promptly spills it all over shirt]  
  
#Ewwww that stuff smells you know, know we're all wet!#   
  
Precisely   
  
#This is good because…#  
  
Because now I can just sit here waiting for him to come out of that stupid storeroom and get a good look at a real woman's breasts while I smile in a "I'm a sexy female aware of my budding sexuality" way. One look at my very wet, very tight shirt and he'll forget whatever's wrong with the know-it-all.  
  
#You realise that right now, you've turned us into more of a slut than Pansy Parkinsons.#  
  
Stop your whining!  
  
#Me! Stop my whining? I'm the part of our personality who feel shame you know!#  
  
Hush I can hear movement and I need to look dismayed enough to make this appear to be an accident.  
  
#If you ask me-#  
  
Did I! He's coming out. He's coming out with the slut in his arms!  
  
#She's unconscious#  
  
She's faking! He left. He just left. He didn't even look at my boobs. I'm gunna kill Granger!  
  
#Well her head was bleeding, might not be as hard as you would think.#  
  
Please! That was obviously faked.  
  
#She's seriously injured#  
  
Bunch of bullshit.  
  
.  
  
.**************  
  
8:00pm – Dungeons  
  
Status: Anxious and dry but smelly  
  
He's still not back yet!  
  
#And we smell, beetle juice doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore does it?#  
  
I bet you his in some secluded classroom trapped and trying to escape because Granger's trying to have her way with him.  
  
#You know this might sound like a stupid idea but while he's gone maybe we could actually do some potions#  
  
[Sigh] This is what I get for thinking Hermione was a lesbian.  
  
#You though Hermione was a lesbian#  
  
Well, she does like cats.  
  
#[Deafening laughter]#   
  
Oh shut up! It's only to late I realise my mistake  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
8:40pm – Dungeons  
  
Status: Frantic with worry  
  
Why is he not back yet!  
  
#I don't know but it's time we leave#  
  
But I want to stay! Maybe we could have a look around.  
  
#A look around?#  
  
Maybe just to see if he's been doodling my name on pieces of parchment.  
  
#[snort] He doesn't look like a doodler. He looks like a ripper.#  
  
A ripper?  
  
#You know the type. Rips the paper into little bits and pieces, peels the labels off his butter beer bottles. It's a sign of sexual frustration.#  
  
Now that's something I could help him with.  
  
#Do you even know what a boyfriend is?!#  
  
Isn't it like being friends but with groping?  
  
#Exactly. So do you want to be his girlfriend or do you just want a romp in the grass?#  
  
Grass! It'd tickle your butt! Now satin sheets-  
  
#God you're hopeless#  
  
"Miss Brown"  
  
Holy Crap! Stealthy much!  
  
"You startled me Professor."  
  
#That was smooth you didn't even drool. I think we should invest in getting him some squeaky shoes, I nearly wet our pants.#  
  
"Is there a reason why are you still here?"  
  
"I, ah, I… wanted to see how Hermione was." If she touched you I swear to God I'll-  
  
"She has still to regain consciousness but she will be fine. Now return to your dorm."  
  
"Thank you Professor."  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
8:50 – Outside the Gryfindor common room  
  
Status: Elated  
  
Did you see it? Do you believe it?!  
  
#For the last time yes#  
  
She didn't have her way with him!  
  
#Unless he had his way with her, I bet you he'd like no reaction. He has that morbid gloom about him, he strikes me as the necrophiliac type#  
  
"The password young lady"  
  
Gross out! He wouldn't touch her. But did you nice he was to me. I didn't hear any malice in his voice when he told me how Hermione was. Oh I hope I don't hurt him to much.  
  
#You? Hurt him?#  
  
Don't you understand! At the moment he's probably tearing himself apart because I'm starting to break through his defenses that he's spent all these year perfecting. And now me, an attractive younger woman, a student! Is starting to melt the walls that he has surrounded his heart with.   
  
#Ah crap, not this Mills and Boom shit again#  
  
"Young lady are you just going to stand there all night or are you going to give me the password?"  
  
"Alright, alright, keep you skirt on. Foot fungus. Icky who comes up with these passwords."  
  
Oh I hope he doesn't fight it  
  
#Doesn't fight foot fungus?#  
  
NO! He's love for me! Oooo look, Harry and Ron are over there with Dean, Neville and Seamus. They'll want to know that something happened to Hermione.  
  
[Deliberatly drifts casually towards the group. Ron and Dean are talking and everyone is laughing]  
  
We have to ease our way casually into the conversation.  
  
#You're thinking about this way to much#  
  
"That's really good money" [everyone laughs]  
  
Quickly we have to giggle along like we know what Dean's is talking about. [giggles]  
  
"I can't believe there is a job where you can get paid $200 an hour!" [everyone laughs again]  
  
What Ron said must have been pretty funny. This is a perfect opportunity to say something…witty  
  
"If someone offers you $200 you take it!"  
  
[everyone is suddenly quiet]  
  
#You thought that was witty#  
  
"Lavander! I didn't know you approved of prostitution!" [everyone bursts out laughing again. Jaw drops, eyes goggle]  
  
"What! I, I never!" [embarrassed stutter kicks in] "I wouldn't! N-not, not ever! Is that what you were talking about!"   
  
[Face starts going redder than Ron's hair, quickly turn and walk away, very very fast.]  
  
#Weren't we going to tell them about Hermione#  
  
No time! I'm really tired, going to bed right now!  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
. 


	2. This means war

TITLE: Lavander Loves…  
  
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer  
  
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#  
  
Dedicated to my beta for her Snape obsession cause she rules. Plus she gives me candy when I write things.  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
8:20am – Great Hall, Breakfast.  
  
Status: Embarrassed  
  
I can't believe Dean had the nerve to say that!  
  
#You have to admit it was pretty funny#  
  
I really don't think "Hey Lavander, Goyle says he has $200 for you if you meet him in the broom shed" is very funny  
  
#Well it was funnier than Ron asking whether or not we took credit cards#  
  
[Body drops into the next chair] "Hey Lavander"   
  
#Shit its motor mouth#  
  
"Hey Padma."  
  
#Ladies and Gentleman it's the Hogwarts gossip queen#  
  
"Those boys are very strange, when I walked passed Neville asked me if it was customary to pay beforehand and then the group burst out laughing."  
  
"Ah don't worry about it; they've been saying stupid things like that all day."  
  
#Padma would probably actually know#  
  
She is our friend, you know.  
  
#And what a friend! Just don't mention your praise of prostitution again unless you really do want offers from Goyle#  
  
"You won't believe what I heard!"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Well don't say anything. I'm only telling you because you because I know you'll keep it a secret."   
  
#And then you'll tell another 50 people who can keep a secret and they'll tell another 50 people and so on, and so on#  
  
"Plus I promised Milicent I wouldn't tell you."  
  
#And she believed you?#  
  
"Pansy Parkinson is in Lurrrrrrrrrve!"  
  
"Well duh everyone knows she's head over heals for Malfoy."  
  
"Oh my dear Lavender, that's just the point. It's not Malfoy."  
  
"Not Malfoy?" #Suddenly I'm interested#  
  
"No, not Malfoy"  
  
"Then who!"  
  
"Someone older…"   
  
"God it's not Flint is it? Those teeth plus that face would make for a very ugly child." [shudders at imagery]   
  
"It's not Flint, someone older than him."  
  
"It's not Malfoy's dad, is it? Because that's gross, sleeping with the son and then the father. She'll be working her way through the family! No Malfoy is safe! ARGH!!!" [makes gagging noises]  
  
"Honestly Lavender, I already said it wasn't Malfoy and I meant all Malfoys. I thought you would have guessed by now."  
  
#Can we hit her yet? She's just annoying now#  
  
"Spit it out Padma!"  
  
"No this is fun! Come on, someone older..."  
  
#[growls]#  
  
"Oh so it's Dumbledore then?"   
  
#I'm very proud of that sarcasm#  
  
Thank-you.  
  
"Oh fine, if you're going to be stupid about it. It's… [Pauses for dramatic effect] Snape."  
  
Did she just say?  
  
#Yes#  
  
"I don't believe it."  
  
#Denial will get you nowhere#  
  
"Swear to Merlin it's true. And can you believe it? Someone as pretty as Pansy actually wants a crooked nosed, greasy haired, bad tempered, yellowed… Lavender are you ok?"   
  
"I'm fine." [Has gone very pale]  
  
Pansy wants Snape.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
Pansy's prettier than me! She's richer!  
  
[Starts to hyperventilate]  
  
"Lavender, are you hyperventilating?"   
  
She is [wheeze] more [wheeze] experienced [wheeze] Her boobs [wheeze] are bigger [wheeze] than mine!  
  
[feels dizzy and puts head between knees]  
  
[Padma turns down the table and shouts out] "HAS ANYONE GOT A PAPER BAG?!"  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
9:00am – Dungeons, first period   
  
Status: Seething  
  
Competition is her name and she's sitting two rows and three seats over from me. I will destroy her and everything she stands for. I will make her pay for ever thinking she could take what is rightfully mine and what I have worked so hard for.   
  
#Being a little melodramatic aren't we?#   
  
This is war! I shall stand for no less!  
  
#Do you really think it's true? It's not like it came from a reliable source#  
  
Of course it's reliable. Padma might be a gossip queen but she's deadly accurate. She knew about Ron and Hermione breaking up two minutes after it happened. She can tell you off the top of her head every person Draco Malfoy has slept with!  
  
#Like that ones hard, he'll shag with anything that moves!#  
  
Oh look! Severus is wearing his robes with the extra layers today. Joy unbridled. I hope it has something to do with unbidden fantasies about me.  
  
#God isn't that an image. Snape secretly wanking behind his desk during class#  
  
I'm beginning to think you're perverted.  
  
#Correction, we're perverted#  
  
Oh just piss off. Less arguing; more killing of Parkinson Pug-Face  
  
#Seeing as this is war, do you have a strategy?#  
  
Pansy's painful, horrifying death?  
  
#I was thinking something a little more discreet#  
  
Oh sneaky! Right I got ya. Sneaky! That's brilliant idea, nice going. So... sneaky how?  
  
#I was thinking public humiliation#  
  
Excellent, lets dak her in the great hall! I bet you her knickers [slightly more british, if that's possible for any brit] are atrocious, they're probably all hole-y   
  
#That's not what Blaise Zabini says. And I said sneaky for Merlin's sake#  
  
Let's ruin her potion! Severus won't like her if she can't manage a simple headache potion.  
  
#Excellent idea, but lets make it explode. What reacts badly with these ingredients?#  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
9:27am – Dungeons   
  
Status: Excited   
  
Alright, commence Operation: Ruin Pansy's Potion.  
  
#You honestly couldn't think up a better name than that?#  
  
Quiet I need to concentrate.   
  
#Remember don't move till Pansy gets out of her chair to collect the Boomslang skin#  
  
The tension is killing me!  
  
#There she goes! Quick!#  
  
[takes deep breath and slices fingers with knife]  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
"Oh Lavander are you ok? Let me heal that for you."  
  
[grimace] Blood, I hate blood.  
  
"I'm fine Padma but I need to go wash it first, some bard roots might have gotten in the cut."  
  
[Stands quickly in a guise of moving to the sinks at the side of the room]  
  
#Pansy's coming back! Hurry it up!#  
  
[Sidles up next to Pansy's work station - trying to look inconspicuous – and squeezes a drop of blood in the cauldron]   
  
#Now go! Go! Go!#  
  
[runs over to the sink to wash the cut, looking over at Pansy]  
  
#Stop staring like you expect something to happen!#  
  
Just look at her, giggling and smiling! Hahaha she doesn't have a clue! I could have been in Slytherin I am so sneaky! And no one will suspect a thing! And Severus won't even have the time of day for some stupid little blonde ditz. [starts walking back to seat smirking evilly]  
  
#We really need to get back to our seat before she adds the Boomslang and th- #  
  
[BANG! The explosion rocks the room and the contents of Pansy's cauldron now have covered her entirely in green slime. Her and one Lavander Brown, who didn't get out of the way quick enough. A stunned silence fills the room. Draco is the first to break it, a snort coming through as he tries to stop the inevitable tide. Then come the giggles and suddenly every person in the whole room is in tears of laughter]  
  
GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS! I'm covered in slime! Green icky slime! This is never going to come out of my hair!  
  
#I told you to move faster you dumbass! Now look at us! Why couldn't I have manifested in a smart persons brain!#  
  
"Miss Parkinson!" [The entire room falls silent at the sound of Severus's voice] "Are you trying to give Mr Longbottom some competition for the most incompetent in the class? Explain yourself!"  
  
"Pr- Professor..."  
  
She looks like she's going to cry! Oh joy! Oh crap! This stuff is seeping into my underwear.  
  
"I don't understand what happened. I just added the Boomslang and then..."  
  
[Snape's face is thunderous]  
  
"Clean up this mess and then get out of my sight! I expected more from you Miss Parkinson; this accident was pure carelessness." [Pansy hangs her head in shame]  
  
Kind of makes you feel all gooey inside, doesn't it?  
  
#No, that would be the slime again#  
  
[Smiles smugly at Pansy. Starts moving to the sink in order to wash off slime]  
  
"Just where do you think you're going, Miss Brown?"  
  
"To wash the slime off me, Professor."  
  
"I don't think so. You can help Miss Parkinson clean her work area."  
  
"But I was an innocent bystander!"  
  
"5 points from Gryffindor for arguing."  
  
"But! But she-"  
  
"10 points from Gryffindor." [Snape's face brooked for no argument]  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
12:30pm – Great Hall, Lunch  
  
Status: Mixed Emotions  
  
#I'm torn between laughing at Pansy's hair and being pissed off about ours#  
  
I still can't believe Severus made me help clean up!  
  
#Don't you find it the least bit amusing that Pansy's lovely peroxide blonde hair is now green?#  
  
And he took points off me! Do you think that maybe it's a reaction to his feelings for me? Like, he thinks he can ignore them or something? Because that was totally uncalled for!  
  
#I think you forget that we're a Gryffindor and he'll use a sneeze as an excuse to take points off us#  
  
There has to be something more to it than that!   
  
#Or maybe he's just an ARSE! Anyway, I think that the potions reaction to what used to be our copper highlights is a lot better than green, don't you?#  
  
Oh sure metallic purple highlights are all the rage!! What is your problem? Have you forgotten the way Severus treated me back there?!  
  
#I'm just saying that we succeeded. Pansy's humiliated with green hair, and we may have some losses but hey, no pain, no gain#  
  
Losses! My hair has bright fucking purple streaks and Severus yelled at me. the stupid greasy git!  
  
#Ah-ha! You just admitted he was greasy!#  
  
I did not. I would never…Ok so maybe he is! It's nothing a good shampoo won't fix!  
  
[left shoulder gets shaken]  
  
"What!"  
  
"Sorry Lavender, I've been trying to get your attention for the last ten minutes."  
  
"Whatever, what do you want Seamus?"  
  
#Still bitter about the teasing we endured this morning I see#  
  
"Oh, um" [Seamus face is going red] "Nah don't worry about" [Seamus runs off to the other end of the table and sits down]  
  
He's been acting very strangely lately.  
  
#Don't worry about it. He's probably just accidentally burnt some hair off in a very private place and wants you to check it out [if voices could, this one would be wiggling it's eyebrows]#  
  
Pervert.  
  
#Juvenile# 


	3. Sprung!

TITLE: Lavender Loves…  
  
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer  
  
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#  
  
Sorry this one took so long ever since I moved schools I haven't had Suz around to inspire my Lavender writings. Without her there truly would be no Snape obsessed Lavender.   
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
7:30 pm - Library  
  
Status: Disgusted fascination  
  
I'm depressed.   
  
#I'm disturbed#  
  
Just look at it! Everyone in this school has a lover except me!  
  
#I don't want to think about it. It's just to terrifying#   
  
At this rate, even Finch will have somebody before I hook up with Snape.  
  
#I didn't think it was possible to be repulsed by two people kissing#  
  
It is kind of gross, isn't it?  
  
#Complete shock to the system#  
  
[Shivers] Unnatural   
  
#And in public! For any poor innocent passerby to see!#  
  
Anybody would go green upon witnessing this.  
  
#It's mind boggling, I'm repulsed… yet I can't turn away#   
  
Oh! Eww groping! This is the library not the astronomy tower!  
  
#I just saw drool. That does it! We're leaving and never speaking of this again. Simply the idea of Gregory Goyle and Millicent Bullstrode kissing is bad enough, but the visuals are horrific#  
  
I'm going to need years of therapy.  
  
#At least now we know we're not going to get any $200 offers off Goyle now - his room will be getting plenty of action without them#  
  
[starts to gather books together]  
  
Hey! Maybe we could try breaking into his chambers?  
  
#Who's? Goyle's? That's disgusting! If you want free porn we can just steal it off Ron, we don't have to witness Goyle and Milicent getting down and dirty.#  
  
First of all eww. And no, I mean Severus's chambers.  
  
#Oh we're back on that again. So you want to steal Snape's porn?#  
  
No! What is it with you and porn?  
  
#No, what's with "you" and porn?#  
  
Oh bugger off, no one asked you to manifest. I just mean that we can poke around his place and find out his interests. See what he likes…how big his bed is.  
  
#Lavender, we're trying to get us some loving, not a restraining order#  
  
[Starts to get up from the chair]   
  
He wouldn't know it was us, we could just-  
  
[Without warning, I was pushed back into the chair and a menacing figure loomed over me]   
  
"I know it was you, Brown." [Pansy spat. She was wearing her pug faced scowl, looking particularly ugly framed by her green hair]   
  
#Argh! It's a sea monster from the lake!#  
  
  
  
"Pansy, what are you doing?"  
  
#Be calm! Pretend we don't know anything!#  
  
Oh my God! She knows, she knows. I can tell by the look on her face  
  
"Did you honestly think you'd get away with it? Bet it gave you a good laugh!"  
  
#Don't hesitate, it implies that we're guilty!#  
  
We are guilty!  
  
#She doesn't know that for sure!#  
  
"Huh?"  
  
#Oh that was very eloquent#  
  
[Pansy grabbed a hold of my robes, her face inches from mine. It was like coming face to face with an angry pit-bull - drool and all]  
  
"Don't play dumb with me! I know you ruined my potion."   
  
#Who says we're 'playing' dumb?#  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about?" [Pansy's eyes narrowed and her hair seemed to bristle, blowing in time with the snorts of breathe escaping her nose like leaves on a tree]  
  
"You're skating on thin ice, Brown."  
  
"Seriously, Pansy. I haven't got a clue what you're talking about."   
  
"Well if you don't, then you can explain to me this. Why were you so close to my potion? You were on the wrong side of the tracks when the whole thing exploded!"  
  
"I I-ah….i-it w-wa-wasn-"  
  
"You w-wa-wasn't what Brown?"  
  
"I w-wasn't doing a-anything."  
  
"You're trying to walk down a dangerous road Brown. If I catch you making an arse out of me again, our next meeting won't be this nice."   
  
[With those final words, she released my robes with a shove and stormed out of the library, snarling at some brave third year Gryfindors who openly laughed at her new hairdo]  
  
#Oh that went smoothly. What was with that girl and all the analogies? Think she's heard the one about being as ugly as a hippogriff?#  
  
Like you were any help. Where did you go when I needed you?  
  
#Did I mention I'm the part of your personality that's a coward?#  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
11:00 pm – Lavenders Bed, Gryfindor Dormitories  
  
Status: Resigned   
  
#So what's next?#  
  
What do you mean, what's next?  
  
#How are we going to humiliate Pansy again?#  
  
Are you being serious?! She'll flay me! And remember if I go, you go too.  
  
#Well that just means we'll have to try harder not to get caught#   
  
Oh and I suppose you have an idea then?  
  
No, but I can always go and ask Frank.  
  
Frank? Who the hell is Frank?  
  
#Didn't you know? You have a bunch of voices in here just waiting to manifest. If you'd let me go get one-#  
  
No! Absolutely not! This is my brain and what I say goes! You're lucky you're allowed to stay! There is not a chance in hell you're having friends over!  
  
#Fine, jeez it was just a suggestion. Well maybe we need to distract Pansy long enough to make sure Snape is ours for the taking#  
  
What are you suggesting?  
  
#Well, we all know that for years Pansy has been after Malfoy-#  
  
Everyone knows that.  
  
#And this whole Snape thing is new, yes?#  
  
And your point is?  
  
#If we can somehow convince Pansy that Malfoy is actually interested in her, maybe even get him to date her, then she'd be way too busy with him to bother about Snape#  
  
That's brilliant! But-  
  
#But what? It's a brilliant plan!#  
  
Draco has never shown any interest at all in Pansy. He's slept with everyone but her, and I know for a fact he's not interested.  
  
#How do you know he's not interested? And what do you mean he's slept with everyone? Wait, everyone? That doesn't include us does it?#  
  
As if I w-woo-would stoop that low.  
  
#Oh really [If voices could do it, one eyebrow would be raised]#  
  
OK! I admit it! Draco Malfoy and I have had [pause] relations.  
  
#Relations? Is that what they're calling it these days?#  
  
I swear it was only once and it was an accident!  
  
#An accident! So you just fell on his penis?!#  
  
Yes! I mean NO! I was drunk that's all!  
  
#Drunk?#  
  
[Cue reminiscent music] It was the end of our 6th year bash. The drink was flowing and people wanted to forget about the war. There was dancing and drinking, and then I saw him from across the room. He did that thing with his eyebrows and motioned for me to come over. [Cut music] Seven shots of tequila later I don't see how I can be held responsible for one teensy little mistake.   
  
#Well! This is shocking to say the least. [mock hurt] I can't believe you betrayed Sevie like that#  
  
But it was only during that I realized I loved Sevie!  
  
#[cough] ahhh excuse me, during?#  
  
Oh I – ah – I might have, let something….slip. Not my fault of course, throes of passion and all.  
  
#You didn't!#  
  
It was an accident!  
  
#[giggles] And what did Mister Malfoy have to say to that?#  
  
Well he pretended it didn't happen. I won't say anything if you don't kind of thing.  
  
#And why on earth would that asshole possibly keep his mouth shut about that juicy bit of gossip?#  
  
Because he had more to lose than I did if he told.  
  
#More too lose? Does this bring us back to how you know he's not interested in Pansy?#  
  
It might…  
  
#Oh come on spill!#  
  
I don't know, I don't think you deserve to know.  
  
#Don't deserve! Let's not forget whose been helping you these past few days missy. What name did he let slip?!?#  
  
[Evil grin. When you've got one up on the voices in you're head it's quite gratifying]   
  
I don't know…  
  
#Please tell me! This whole sly-thing does not become you!#  
  
Oh fine, it's… [pause for dramatic effect]  
  
…  
  
…  
  
#Well hurry up already!#  
  
[Whoops to long a pause]  
  
Harry Potter!  
  
#[Scandalous Gasp]#   
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
1:00am – Potions Lab  
  
Status: Dreaming Mills and Boom style  
  
A white mist surrounded the entire lab and Snape was at his desk, correcting papers with a quill dabbed in red ink. He was making furious crosses all over some poor Hufflepuffs work, when suddenly there was a scrapping noise.   
  
"Who's there?"   
  
Snape scanned the room for the source of the noise but found none, so after a few moments he allowed himself to relax and return to the papers. Moments later, his head whipped up - it was the noise again. Snape leapt out of his chair wand at the ready, years as a spy has taught him not to ignore anything suspicious. He crept towards the door.  
  
The handle jiggled. Someone was trying to break in.  
  
'Some miscreant's trying to break into my private stores'  
  
Snape let out an evil chuckle and went to hide in an alcove. Secretly he hoped it was Potter so he could give him a years worth of detention, or even possibly [evil chuckle] expulsion. He was halfway to his hiding spot when the door slammed open. Snape spun around, wand at the ready to face the intruder.  
  
"Did I startle you Professor?"   
  
Snape couldn't believe his eyes. Before him stood Lavender Brown, wearing a very provocative black dress, stilettos and one incredibly sexy grin. Slowly Snape lowered his wand.  
  
"Miss Brown. What are you doing out after curfew and what are you doing in my lab?"   
  
Snape's voice was low and held a hint of danger. Slowly Lavender advanced on him. Snape stood his ground.  
  
"I think you know what I'm doing here, Severus."   
  
Lavender could see Severus's eyes widen in understanding. They were filled with lust and the slightest bit of fear.   
  
"I don't think I do Miss Brown." His voice was dangerously low.  
  
"I could always… spell it out for you." Lavender was now face to face from him. His breathing seems labored and he squeezed his eyes shut as if dealing with some inner turmoil.   
  
Snape opened his eyes and as he looked at her, Lavender could see that whatever had been holding him back before was gone. He leaned slowly down towards her lips and she closed her eyes, anticipating the inevitable kiss.  
  
"SEVIE NO!"   
  
Lavender and Severus's heads snapped toward the doorway where Pansy Parkinson stood in nothing but a tiny red teddy, her hair was back to its normal peroxide blonde.   
  
"What are you doing here?" Lavender couldn't help but screech. Pansy had just ruined their perfect moment!  
  
"I'm here because you're not the one Severus loves, Brown. Muddy, Dirty, Brown! As if Severus could ever love you. Sevie, she's put a hex on you!"   
  
There was a murmur of ascent from the crowd… wait a second, crowd? Looking around, Lavender could see the classroom was filled with her fellow students. Severus stepped back from Lavender, confusion evident on his face. His eyes looked from Lavender to Pansy and back again.  
  
"It's not true Severus! I would never do that to you!"   
  
"Oh wouldn't she?" Pansy walks up to stand beside Lavender. "Think about it Severus. If you were going to fall for a student, would it be her?"   
  
Severus looked longingly at Lavender, his mind a whirl of uncertainty.   
  
"She does have a point Lavender. You're more hopeless at potions than me." Neville shrugged at Lavender from his melted cauldron.  
  
"Look at her Sevie! An insolent Gryffindor! As if you could ever love her! It's obviously a spell or some potion!" Pansy walked up to Snape and put her arms around his waist, leaning into him. "I mean, just look at her."  
  
Lavender looked down to find her sexy dress gone. She shrieked, realizing she was standing in full Gryffindor uniform with the words "SLYTHERIN'S SUCK!" across the front.   
  
"You know perfectly well a Slytherin / Gryffindor relationship can't work, Brown," sneered Draco from the corner, where he had Harry in a headlock. He snarled and proceeded to knuckle rub Harry's skull.  
  
"Severus, it's not true! You have to believe me!"   
  
Snape looked at Pansy then at Lavender and sneered.  
  
"Pansy darling you're right. I could never love her." Lavender gasped.   
  
"No! No you love me!" Ignoring her pleas Snape leant in and kissed Pansy on the lips.  
  
"No! Noo! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
. 


	4. Hysterics and Plots

TITLE: Lavender Loves…  
  
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer  
  
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#  
  
To everyone who tried just a little too hard. And of course to my beta, who loves the greasy git no matter how many times I try to ruin the image of her perfect man.   
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
10:15am – Charms Classroom.  
  
Status: Distracted  
  
SIGH  
  
……  
  
……  
  
[little cough] SIGH  
  
……  
  
……  
  
Oh for fucks sake aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?  
  
#I'm sorry, what?#  
  
Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?  
  
#Well I was ignoring you#  
  
You were WHAT! [Even Lavender was struck by the irony of this - wasn't she supposed to be ignoring the voices in her head? Not the other way around?]   
  
#Ignoring you#  
  
I heard you the first time.  
  
#Then why say it again?#  
  
Duh, it was my indignant response.  
  
#Oh right sorry#  
  
……  
  
……  
  
…Well?  
  
#Well what?#  
  
You still haven't asked me what's wrong!  
  
#Oh fine, since it's sooooooo obvious how concerned I am. What's wrong?#  
  
[really long sigh] I'm in love with Severus and he doesn't even know I exist.  
  
#That's not true. He's insulted you heaps of times#   
  
And YOU! You hate Sevie and have been sabotaging us from the beginning! I should have gone with my original plans you Homewrecker!   
  
#Now you're just being silly. Your original plan would have resulted in Snape joining the witness protection program#  
  
I bet he doesn't even know my name!  
  
#Don't be ridiculous, I've heard him say it heaps of times. Miss Brown you useless twat, Miss Brown you idiotic Gryfindor, Miss Brown you incompetent fool#  
  
Brown.  
  
#Yes, Brown. It is your name you know#  
  
Muddy Brown.  
  
#Ahh-#  
  
Dirty Brown. [sniffle]  
  
#I don't get it#  
  
[sniffles] He'll never say my first name. It'll always be Brown. Severus will never say my name like it deserves to be said.  
  
#…And how does it deserve to be said?#  
  
It deserves to be growled at me in a lust filled voice. I want it screamed during uncontrollable throes of passion. I want it-  
  
#My God - I shouldn't have asked#  
  
- and then he'd say it over and over to the tune of 'My heart will go on'. I want-  
  
#Please stop#  
  
- Riding me like a bull at a rodeo. It should be cried while -  
  
#STOP!#  
  
What?  
  
#You were getting carried away#  
  
Well it's not like I wouldn't settle for a nickname. Love Bunny, Sweetie Pie, Snookems, Googly Bear–  
  
#How bout Rampant Sex Rabbit?#  
  
Oh that's a nice one!   
  
#God she can't even tell when I'm being sarcastic#  
  
[sulks] It's not fair! It's always going to be Brown! What kind of a name is that! I'm going to kill my mother for marrying someone with such a stupid last name.  
  
#Now, now, let's not insult the person who clothes and feeds us#  
  
[sniffle] Pansy has a better name than I do, at least you can still say Miss Parkinson sexily.  
  
#Come on! Snape would never go for the green haired dog#  
  
[Just then, cause there are always just then's in this story, one Miss Pansy Parkinson walked into the charms classroom, 15 minutes late and blonder than Malfoy]  
  
Shit!  
  
#Shit#  
  
Look how blonde her hair is!  
  
#She must have used at least two bottles of peroxide#  
  
I don't believe it.  
  
#Neither do I. There's no way that's possible without your hair falling out#  
  
"Miss Parkinson," squeaked Professor Flitwick. "Explain yourself."  
  
"I'm sorry Professor, I have a note."   
  
#God I hate it when she juts her boobs out like that whenever she talks. If she's not careful one day she'll knock someone out with those#  
  
[sulk] Padma says they're not real anyway, engorging charm. I don't need an engorging charm, mine are all natural.   
  
#[chuckles] That's right, we flaunt our organic breasts. Sounds like we're trying to sell fruit that hasn't been sprayed with pesticide#  
  
"I was having a discussion with," [Pansy stops and looks pointedly right at me] "Professor Snape."  
  
#BA BA BAAAAAAA, Dramatic enpuzzlement#   
  
[An audible gasp escapes my throat]   
  
"Lavender, are you ok?" [Seamus frowns in concern]  
  
[Squeaks out] "Fine."  
  
[Pansy clears her throat to regain everyone's attention]   
  
"He was admiring the results of the potion he made to change my hair back to its original gorgeous colour."   
  
[A stifled yelp is heard from Lavenders direction]  
  
"Yes, Yes, Miss Parkinson we don't need your life story. Sit down please."  
  
[The class resumes but Lavender isn't hearing a thing]  
  
Did you hear?  
  
#I heard#  
  
Do you…  
  
#I don't#  
  
"Pssst!"  
  
[sniffle] She was…  
  
"Psst, Lavender!"  
  
And he gave…[tiny sob]  
  
"Lavender, are you ok?"  
  
And my hair's still purple!!!  
  
[With that Lavender burst into tears and ran from the room, leaving behind a very confused Seamus and a startled class]  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
10:40am – Bathroom  
  
Status: Distressed  
  
H-H-He-He LOVES HER [Wailing cries]   
  
#It's not true#  
  
It's TRUE! Her boobs really are bigger! [Howl of pain]  
  
#We need to calm down!#  
  
YOU CALM DOWN! How can I be calm?! My love HATES ME!! [uncontrollable sobs]   
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
10:45am – Bathroom  
  
Status: Upset and Angry  
  
[sniff] I hate that bitch.  
  
#That's the spirit#  
  
Severus doesn't like her.  
  
#Exactly#  
  
Why would our Sevie want to see how her hair turned out anyway?  
  
#Precisely. Besides, it was Slytherin green, so she destroyed a symbol of house pride#  
  
She said all that on purpose.  
  
#That's right, just to upset us#  
  
Oh God!  
  
#What?#  
  
We just ran out of class!  
  
#Oh yeah#  
  
Dear God now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable.   
  
#I doubt they think that#  
  
Do you think I'm mentally unstable?  
  
#Honey you're asking the voice in your head that question… what do you think?#  
  
[long pause] Yes then?  
  
# No! Absolutely not. There's nothing wrong with talking to me and any shrink that tells you other wise is lying, LYING I tells ya!#  
  
Oh [smiles] all right then.   
  
#That's my girl#  
  
We need to get Pansy back!  
  
#Yes, and we'll make her pay#  
  
That's right, we'll make her pay!  
  
#She'll burn in hell for going after Sevie#  
  
[giggle] You just called him Sevie.  
  
#I did not#  
  
Did to.  
  
#I didn't, I'm the voice of reason and I still say he's an ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk who probably gets off smelling panties and spying on the student population going at it#  
  
Sure, sure … Did to.  
  
#Oh fine I did! He may be an ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk, but god-dammit! He's our ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk!#  
  
Woohooo! Go Team Go!  
  
#I can be very inspiring, can't I?#  
  
Oh yes.  
  
#Now back to getting Pansy#  
  
Yes, back to getting the bitch.  
  
#We're going to do something nasty to her#  
  
Something nasty?  
  
#Something evil#  
  
[evil giggle (don't ask me how an evil giggle works it just does, similar to a evil chuckle…but more girly)] Something evil.  
  
#Something very, very, Slytherin#  
  
Oooooo I'm excited!  
  
#Something humiliating#  
  
For Payback BIATCH!  
  
#And we're going to start right now#  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**************  
  
.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. If anyone has any ideas of nasty things to do to Pansy feel free to suggest. 


End file.
